Where to begin...
I have always had really bad experiences and from those bad experiences I have found out the hard way that you can't just say..."what's the worst that can happen?"
My first date ever, I went to a Shakespeare in the park...romantic, no? We had lawn chairs, shared a blanket, had miscellaneous snacks, good conversation and great chemistry. He was smart, funny, talented so basically almost perfect, the date was great...I wish I also didn't have to share it with his parents. Yep, they were there, sitting next to us, basking in the warmth.....On a level of one to awkward, it was the Mark Zuckerberg and Robert Pattinson love child of all awkwardness.
So my second date, much later down the road mind you, I went on a date with a friend, gain, intelligent, thoughtful basically a saint of a man. During dinner he was an absolute snooze, it was like entertaining a sleepwalker and besides, I thought I was good at small talk, I'm appalled that he had proved me wrong, so that made him go further in my shit-list. Anywho, we went to a party and things got gritty, so to speak, not Billy Bob Thorton Gritty but more tastefully gritty, I'm a woman of high standards and questionable morals, (can't you tell?) So usually, your therapist would frown upon my actions....before you go Chelsea Handler on my ass, I hope you know that we didn't, well, you know. Flashes of overhead stills on the human anatomy from high school health classes kept on replaying in my mind...that's a total turnoff. So needless to say, I felt terrible for leading the poor bastard on like that and stopped my charade in it's tracks, we're friends now.
The third date was anything but a charm. So we went on one of those dinner and movie things, but did it backwards (innovative, really) so the movie I la-hov-ed, adored and am purchasing as soon as I get the chance. But, but, but, the man was well, here we go: not a looker, but as I have learned from Bette Midler; looks go. He is smart, and has his shit together so that's a big plus. But his mom had set us up...yeah, he's not one to leave the nest to act upon things I guess...but the poor woman's been asking me for about 2 years now, I can't turn women like that down (I'm a bit of a pushover). The conversation was good though, he did mumble and it got annoying after awhile, I have soo many pet peeves, the latter list would be shorter. Anywho, the movie segment of the date was fine, if only it ended there....we went to dinner (I paid for half...ew) and mid dinner he had announced that he.was.also.into.men. Ummm, well he said that and followed it with, "but I do like women" because I think my face had the "chopped liver" response. So needless to say, Vanny is never going on a date again. I'm just going to spend my dowry on Booze and drugs to drown my sorrows, too bad I'm allergic to booze and sorrows. You know, you can never say " what's the worst that can happen?" because in return, you date a semi-gay man. I think God woke up and said, "How can I piss Van off today? How many reasons can I give her to become an atheist?" Oh and I'm onto you, big man upstairs....I know what you're up to? Do you hand me these sinners to date because I don't go to church? Huh?! Is it?... Anyway, dating is the devil, I have come to find....you think it's all good and dandy until BAM! he's gay or lackluster or worse, a lifer. So before you give any of these guys your number, remember what happened to Vanny, I am here as a sacrificial lamb for womankind...you're welcome...This was sponsored by the population control bureau...I hope you're too scared to mate now.
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