Though I have enjoyed my time with you, I have come to the realization that you suck. You've helped me through denial of losing weight and you've made my butt look grand on various occasions (like that one time at the gym during those lunges, you know what I mean), I have a bone to pick with you...
Do you know why you only come in dark colors?! Because it's slimming, yeah, not helpful. Thanks but no thanks. And you come in a variety of cuts, like Capri and shorts and such and such. I know what you're up to, and just letting you know, I'm onto you. (two fingers pointing to my eyes then fiercely pointing back at you)
You're not that great anyway, you're like the pretentious cousin of sweatpants but you judge...oh how you judge. It's not right, it's not...what kind of fabric stretches 20 different ways? Unreal. Listen, Mr. Fantastic-magic-cotton, you think you're stealth but I know what you're doing to women...to society! And again, I'm watching you, so you plan your moves and once you get out of child's pose and pounce, I'll be there like a Lilly in the heat.
Needless to say, it's on.
Love,
Vanny Pants.
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